The Mean Girl in Your Head
The Mean Girl in Your Head

You can’t do that. Maybe you aren’t enough. Why did they hire you? You know you don’t have the experience to lead this team. Why do you think he left? Why do you think they all left? It must be you. Sounds like some pretty negative things for someone to say to you. But what if that someone is you?

Your Inner Mean Girl

I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely got a mean girl in my head. She tells me that I am not enough for whatever it is I am trying to do. Whether I am mothering my children, loving my husband, creating a program, launching a business, applying for a job, or making a new friend, she is there telling me it won’t work because there is a deficiency in me.

My daughter Miah and I talk about this in episode 3, The Mean Girl in Your Head. I wanted to talk with someone from a generation behind mine so that we could examine whether the mean girl shows up differently for different generations. Is she still up and about? Is she sneaky or bold, ratchet or sophisticated?

How Does the Mean Girl in Your Head Get Her Voice?

What I found was that she is still alive and well for a whole other generation. I have done my best to pour positive things into my daughter, but if the truth be told, this wasn’t always the case. I wasn’t always super cognizant of what I said to her in moments of failure or mistakes. I was highly critical when she was a little girl, always correcting, fixing, or adjusting.

What’s Family and Culture Got to Do With It

See, I came from a highly critical culture in my family of origin. It seemed nothing was ever good enough. If I brought home a B, I was asked for the A. If I brought home an A, I was asked where was the plus. When I brought home the A+, I wasn’t celebrated because that is what I should have done in the first place. IT felt like there was no way to win sometimes. Now please don’t get it wrong, my accomplishments were celebrated, but in a West Indian household, there were just some things that were a given and so taken for granted. Good grades were one of those things.

So, I went about parenting much in the same ways my parents did without even realizing it. But here’s the kicker, my highly critical parenting style had everything to do with my fusion with my child. Believing that how she presents in this world is directly tied to my value and worth as a mother caused me to want to “fix” everything that looked even slightly out of place. And that was fueled by my own mean girl telling me I am not a good enough mother.

So Now We all Got One

So, now as a result of culture, family, society, or whatever system that has sent you messages of inadequacy, you’ve got a mean girl, I’ve got a mean girl, she’s got a mean girl and we all continue to impact one another negatively because she is what’s driving our behavior. That’s the systemic nature of nurture. The way I have been nurtured impacts the way I nurture or relate to others and cycle continues on and on.

Break the Cycle

So how do we break the cycle. Well, Miah and I talked about how to quiet the mean girl so that she won’t get in our way, stop us from doing the amazing things we were made to do, or cause us to hurt someone else. See, often mean girls in our lives are pulling us down so they can measure up because they really don’t feel good about themselves.

So how do we get her to settle down and shush? We can become intentional about how we talk to ourselves. The things that have been said to us often program us into thinking there is deficiency in us. Well, if negative things reprogrammed us to think negatively about ourselves, surely saying positive things to ourselves has the power to reprogram us again. It works both ways.

Affirmations Work

In Proverbs, the Bible talks about the power over life and death being in the tongue. It also talks about the tongue being a fire that can change the whole trajectory of our lives in the book of James. This spiritual principle connects with the therapeutic principle of speaking affirmations over your life. It has been said that thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and character becomes destiny.

But it doesn’t have to start with your thoughts. Maybe your thoughts have been negative over the years. Maybe you aren’t sure how to change your thoughts about you. That’s the mean girl in your head. What we say to ourselves has the power to change what we think about ourselves. When we practice celebrating ourselves, speaking lovingly to ourselves, offering grace to ourselves, and being kind to ourselves we retrain our thoughts about ourselves.

What If I Can’t Say Good Things About Myself?

What if I am so negative in my thoughts that I can’t even muster the power to say positive things to myself? Some people report that they feel silly or stupid saying good things to themselves. Some folks burst into tears even at the thought of trying to say something good about themselves.

You can write positive things that you want to believe about yourself on paper or sticky notes and post them around a private space in which you spend a lot of time. Every day, read some of the notes to yourself.

Find the Source

I also want to encourage you to find the source of your mean girl. What system(s) in your life have contributed to the development of her voice. Who told you that? Was it social media or media in general sending you messages about your worth or value that is based in someone else’s standard of beauty, success, excellence, etc? Was it a highly critical or abusive parent? Did you experience sexual abuse or assault and now you live with shame about what was done to you?

Get into a therapist’s office and talk about your mean girl’s origin story so that you get to consciously evaluate the things you think about yourself and decide whether you want to maintain those thoughts. Is the way she’s been talking to you serving you, or is it getting in your way? Do you want to continue to let her dictate how you live?

If you are interested in therapy or a group coaching program, you can check out the therapy experience or coaching program I offer. If nothing here fits, please do look for a program that does with another provider because you don’t have to live with the mean girl in your head. You get to quiet her down and an objective professional can absolutely help!

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Shari Loveday
Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever had the feeling that you didn’t belong in a room to which you had been invited? Do you ever wonder what you are doing at influential tables, why you were hired, why so many people look to you? I don’t know about you, but I struggle with imposter syndrome.

What is Imposter Syndrome Anyway?

What is imposter syndrome anyway? Landi-Jackson James, the latest guest on my podcast, defines it as the thought that I am undeserving of the place where I am right now or showing up differently than you actually are at your core to fit into a space. Sometimes it is momentary and sometimes we live with it on a consistent basis. Imposter syndrome is so common. You are not the only one that wonders about your enoughness.

A Crippling Fear

At different times in our lives, any of us can be daunted by the sinking feeling that we are not who people think we are, we can’t do the things they’ve hired us for or entrusted to our care. I have experienced imposter syndrome as a therapist, a daughter, a pastor, a teacher, a mom, a girlfriend/wife, and a baby sister. I have experienced the crippling fear that any minute now people will figure out that they are wrong about me, that the thing they saw as valuable is actually a lie.

Landi shares that often people can see things in you that you can’t see in yourself. They see your excellence, your heart, your creativity. Others see the caliber of person that you are, but you see all of you. You get the benefit of the full scope of who you are; the mistakes, the heartaches, the poor judgment moments, the missteps, the confusion.

Why Can’t I See Me Positively?

One might think that would give you a more balanced view of who you are, but for some reason, you lean toward the negative. There are moments when you fail, but those moments can actually contribute to future success, depending on the way you internalize the experience. Instead, you stockpile evidence that speaks toward your inability when there is evidence of both and.

How Does Culture Impact How You Experience Imposter Syndrome?

Landi talked about the idea that as Black women, we walk through doors of opportunity feeling like we are carrying the entire black and brown community on our shoulders. If I don’t do well, will they think black women are not capable of doing this job well? If I am late, will it solidify stereotypes about black and brown people? Will others that look like me have an opportunity if I ruin this one? That becomes an added level of pressure, that if not for the black people who have come before us and manifested excellence in every arena, it would almost seem to be an impossible task.

Don’t Contort to Fit

I love what Landi says. She reminds us that we can’t make our moves based on what we think other people are thinking. That’s really good because the truth is that we can’t know what people are thinking. The other reason it is good is that when we allow people or external things to define us that could actually create imposter syndrome. I might begin to show up differently to suit other people’s expectation and that could cause me to overlook my own values and beliefs and make decisions that are not authentic to who I am, resulting in me feeling alien to myself.

So How Do You Shake the Fear?

  • How do you fight imposter syndrome? Positive self-talk. Reminding yourself of the balanced view of you. We harbor the negative things, but positive self-talk reminds us that there are many positive things about us. In the moments when we are being bombarded by negative thoughts that are manifesting as a result of perfectionism, fear of failure, etc., we get to talk back to them and offer ourselves a balanced view of ourselves.

  • If you look to a higher power, another tool at your disposal is to look to your higher power for who you are and what your purpose is. I personally look to God whenever I feel like I am doing something I feel ill-equipped or just not enough for. I remind myself that whatever God calls me to, he has already placed everything in me I will need to do my part. Whatever has not been deposited is his part to play, and I can trust him to show up faithfully.

More Resources

A really good note here, is that if you have experienced trauma at the hands of a parent or someone that you believed you could trust, you may have internalized negative things that others have said about you. Get into a therapy room with someone who is objective, can hold non-judgmental space for you, and help you sort out what was put on you through negative or abusive interactions so that you can determine the impact of trauma on your ability to believe what is actually true about you.

If you need to explore what your most authentic self looks like, manage anxiety or imposter syndrome, heal from traumatic experiences, or you need to learn to love and radically embrace yourself, these are my specialties and greatest pleasures. I facilitate this through therapy as well as through a group coaching experience. Contact me here to learn which might be the best fit for you.

You can catch the whole podcast episode here. Happy listening!

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BlogShari LovedayImposter Syndrome, embrace yourself, self-esteem, self-worth
New You Loading...

What do you do when you sense it's time for a new you; when the space you're in feels too small or uncomfortable, it's either grow or die, or you're thrust into a new atmosphere and it's either sink or swim? Do you need some strategies for facing these pivotal moments?

I am excited to have had Giselle Jones as my first podcast guest on my brand new podcast, Black Girl, Love Well. During this post, I hope to capture and share some of the ideas we discussed in the episode. If you want, you can listen to the episode here.

How do you know when a new you is loading?

Do you pay attention to that during the holiday season as the new year is getting ready to turn over? Or maybe you pay attention when your birthday is about to roll around? Or like me and Giselle, do you view your life as dynamic and constantly loading? What are some ways that you notice the necessary growth that is waiting in the wings for you?

In the past, I have missed the loading of a new me and found myself in dire straits that could have been avoided if I had just paid attention and made room for a new me sooner. But how do you know when a new you is loading? With all that is happening in life, let’s face it, it can be easy to miss.

Don’t Miss It

Giselle noted that when change and growth is loading for her, she becomes uncomfortable in a setting she is in, whether it is friendship, career, or romantic relationship. She will begin to feel like she doesn’t belong or like whatever she is doing doesn’t align with her life and values. This signals to her that change is loading.

That resonates with me. Every time a new me is loading, I become uncomfortable. I may try to adjust the situation to make it fit, but what is usually happening is I am evolving and the space just doesn’t fit because it isn’t supposed to anymore.

Giselle intentionally makes room to notice the loading (so it doesn’t sneak up on her) by creating rhythms. She takes the first week of January off every year to spiritually reset. This is an annual rhythm she has created for her life. During this time, she decides on a theme for the year that she wants to see manifest in every area of her life; career, home, friendships, etc. This focuses her, and creates space for her to notice the constant loading of growth and change all throughout the year.

Rhythms

When asked how she makes room for the new thing that may be loading, she shared that she creates rhythms of clarity, connection, and care.

Create Clarity Rhythm

You can create a rhythm of clarity by consistently setting aside moments in your day to pause and seek clarity. Maybe it is in the morning or at night before bed, but creating a rhythm of pausing to be clear about your next moves ensures that you will not miss the loading and you will be able to recalibrate for the changes that may be loading.

Create a Connection Rhythm

Connect with others that can help you make room for growth. Tap into your village as a resource. Sometimes that looks like finding a therapist, calling your mom, dosing with your besties, or asking your partner to step up to do a little more around the home. Maybe you’ll carpool with a neighbor or friend so that you aren’t driving your kids to soccer every single practice.

Create a Self-Care Rhythm

Care is finding a rhythm of caring for yourself in ways that help you to be available to what is loading. That may mean getting your nails done, meditating, having lunch with a friend, reading a good book, taking a new course so you can learn something new. You know what feeds your soul and helps you to feel cared for. Make a list of those things do one thing on the list at least once a week. By this, you create a weekly rhythm of caring for yourself.

Giselle noted that life is going to happen so there will always be barriers to the change loading in your life. She shares that if you simplify your life taking as much off your plate as you can, you position yourself for success when recalibration becomes necessary. When changes are getting ready to happen in your life, you will not be able to face them if you are already stretched too thin.

Another strategy is to replace achievements/goals with values. Instead of creating goals you want to reach (that later you feel like a failure for not reaching) think about values you want to see manifested in the next season of your life. An example would be setting the value of a healthier body rather than setting the goal of losing 20 lbs.

Replacing goals with values will be a true north so that whatever you believe is loading will find harmony with the direction you want your life to take. That will help you more readily understand what is loading and how it fits.

It isn’t always easy to notice when evolution is happening or necessary, but if we can create rhythms in our lives, it becomes much easier!

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Shari Loveday
How Can I Find the Right Therapist?

Finding the right therapist isn’t easy. Sometimes we are able to find someone who is competent. I mean, they really know their stuff, but somehow the fit just isn’t right. In this post, I share some things you want to be on the lookout for when you are searching for the right therapist for you.

Search Engines and Referral Sites

Let’s start at the beginning. If you get a referral from a doctor, friend, or family member, you may likely find a good fit because your people know you and they know the therapist. If you are searching the internet, there are a few ways to find what you are looking for. You can search by the type of therapy you’d like, such as relational therapy. I have another blog post sharing more about what relational therapy is that you can check out. You could search by ethnicity if you would like to see someone that may be intimately acquainted with the culture you identify with most. The final thing you’ll definitely want to add is the city or state in which you live. That search may look like, “Black therapist in Bowie, MD,” or “Latino therapist in Maryland.” With the upsurge in therapists providing therapy via telehealth, you may opt for using your home state rather than your home city to cast a wider net.

Cultural Competence

Some people think that cultural competence means being well-versed in many different cultures. Most of us can’t pull that off because we’re busy learning about psychotherapy so we can be great therapists. In actuality, culturally competent therapists are the ones who are most curious. They’re the ones who say things like, “Teach me about your culture.” The ones who don’t assume they know you because they know a little about the culture or ethnicity from which you originated. Generally, those therapists will seek to honor your heritage with a deep curiosity and reverence for diversity.

Safety

Have you ever met someone and felt connected to them almost immediately? Or to go a step further, have you ever met someone and somehow felt comfortable enough to tell them something you haven’t told many, if any? People often ignore their instincts about whether or not someone feels safe, but when you are looking for a therapist, trust your gut. You know when someone’s personality seems to be inviting you into communion with them. The feeling of safety will be one of the building blocks of a successful therapeutic experience. The truth is, multiple studies have found that the most important indicator of therapeutic success is found in the therapist-client relationship.

Availability

There is nothing worse than finding a great therapist… that you can never see because your schedules don’t line up. Scheduling unavailability can be a barrier to consistent therapy, and inconsistent sessions can be conducive to regression and or relapse. So, find a therapist that you can get in to see as regularly as you need to. Another fix for this is to schedule as far out as you can so that you can book the days and times that work best for you.

Mutual-Fit

Even if you have received a referral from a friend, the final tip is to schedule a mutual-fit call before you start therapy. Many therapists offer a free, initial call or consultation. A mutual-fit call will help you feel out the potential therapist and give you the opportunity to look for some of the above-mentioned qualities. Once you jump on the call, ask as many questions as you need to in order to figure out if it will be a good fit. Finally, If you start therapy and find it isn’t working out, don’t give up. Keep searching until you find the right fit. Happy searching!

If you’re in Maryland and you need a relational therapist, you can schedule a mutual-fit call with me. I would love to support you in your mental and emotional health goals.

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BlogShari Lovedayfind a therapist, therapist search
What Is Relational Therapy?

The phrase relational therapy has been floating around recently. You might be wondering what is relational therapy anyway? Or maybe you know what it is but you’re wondering if it would be beneficial to you. I hope that what I share in this post will help you understand what relational therapy is and whether or not it would be helpful for you.

Relational Therapy

Relational therapy is a systemic framework from which therapists explore all the systems you are a part of and help you find solutions in places you might never have thought to look. A relational therapist conceptualizes their clients’ lives through a lens that includes more than just the individual. We look at your family, career, friendships, romantic relationships, religion, and even the society you are a part of.

Benefits of Relational Therapy

  1. Holistic Care - When you engage with a relational therapist, you aren’t encouraged to focus on your problem. We look at your life from multiple perspectives and that frees us to see resources, opportunities, and solutions. Essentially, relational therapy makes room for all of you, body, mind, and spirit, and all that you bring to the therapy room with you.

  2. Systemic, Societal issues - Relational therapy is systemic in nature, so it is never going to overlook the impact of systemic, societal issues on your life. Racism, sexism, and all the other isms will be taken in account in relational therapy because your relationship to the world around you is important.

  3. Familial Issues - Sometimes we can’t bring our families into the therapy room because they don’t live nearby or they just don’t want to come. Relational therapy brings your loved ones into the room without them having to be there because it takes into account how those relationships impact you.

  4. Healing Relationships - Sometimes we can bring our loved ones into the room and that is a phenomenal opportunity to heal relationships that just haven’t been working well. Relational therapy gladly makes room for all your relationships in the therapeutic process. That means couples, a parent and their child, siblings, friends, or the entire family are welcome!

Is Relational Therapy Right For Me?

I hate to answer a question with a question, especially since therapists are notorious for it, but I have to ask. Do you need therapy that takes all of you and your relationships into account in conceptualizing problems and finding solutions? Does it sound good to have your body, mind, and spirit engaged in your growth? Do you like the idea of therapy that takes into account your ethnicity and the challenges that may come with living in a society that may not embrace you? Would it be helpful to have a place for you and your partner, child, or family to process ways to relate to one another that feel healthier?

Start Today

If you answered yes to any of those questions, relational therapy might be a good fit for you. So what are you waiting for? Take the first step to getting what you need and moving toward the life you want today. Reach out to a relational therapist in your city and get started.

Find a Relational Therapist

A google search is a good place to start. You could also utilize therapist referral websites such as Psychology Today, Therapy Den, or Mental Health Match. Once you are there, you can try to find a Marriage and Family (MFT) therapist. You could also search for a couples therapist if that applies. As you look at therapists’ profiles, look for keywords like relational, relationship, family, or systemic. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) has a therapist locator page. You can check that out here as an added resource. If you reside in Maryland, I would be glad to hold space for you and offer you relational therapy that could be the link to the life you’ve been desiring for so long. You can book a free mutual-fit call to explore the possibility of working with me.

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BlogShari LovedayRelational therapy, relationship therapy, family therapist, couples therapy
Lovin' Well Ain't Easy

I started blogging back in 2015. It took a lot for me to press the publish button on my first blog because I didn't really have confidence in my ability to write. Over the years, I have learned that I am a writer and my words do inspire. It took a while, but I finally believe.

So, here I am. Blogging once again, this time from a different perspective. This blog will share little tidbits about my journey to loving well, books, resources, helpful hints for your journey, and therapeutic techniques for the bumpy parts of your trip. Faith and therapy will collide here because that powerful mix is how I am learning to love well.

I have an old friend that says, "Chew the fat and spit out the bones," before she gives anyone advice. So that is what I will say to you. Digest whatever will nourish you and leave whatever won't. If you don't experience faith from a Christian perspective, find how the principle connects you to your faith traditions. If you have never experienced the benefits of therapy, use the practical tips that will be shared here.

Approach this blog with an open mind. Resolve to try something new because you never know. This might lead to love you never knew you needed.

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BlogMonica Kovach
Is Confession Good for the Soul?

Yes and no. Yes, if you are talking to someone you love, trust, and can afford to be vulnerable with, sharing something close to your heart can deepen intimacy and help set you free. No, if you are confessing to a person who is not going to offer you grace, vault your story, or be intentional about never throwing that thing back in your face.

I grew up hearing confession is good for the soul. My mother would say that whenever someone fessed up to having done something wrong in the house.

I remember thinking, I ain't confessin' nothin'. I didn't want people to know the downsides to my character. I always opted for a lie to get out of trouble. Facing consequences was not my strong suit.

Today I read something in the book of James that knocked my socks off and helped me understand why my life is so much better now that I choose honesty nine times out of ten. (It’s a work in progress ;-)

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power." James 5:16

Confess, pray, and be healed.

I am not advocating for you going to a priest (though some find healing there) or telling your business to random or untrustworthy people.

I am suggesting that sharing difficult thoughts and emotions with a trained, trusted professional can be helpful. Often, when we share something that has lived only in our heads and we are able to hear it come out of our mouths, we get the ability to think about it differently. As well, when we are able to receive a different perspective on it, we are able to explore it from a more patient and kind headspace. There are healing properties in someone making non-judgmental room for your to process things.

I am also suggesting that when you are in a relationship with someone, it deepens intimacy to share your joys and your shortcomings, to say I am sorry when you have done them wrong, to let your friend or partner wipe a tear when you cry.

There are healing properties in knowing that even when you stumble, there is one who will keep walking with you, someone who will continue to love you even when you aren’t at your best.

Finally, there is healing in releasing something that is causing you hurt, whether it is something you’ve willfully done that you aren’t proud of, a mistake you have made, or something that has happened to you.

Space for your wonderings can be a healing salve when generously applied, but you must take the first step by engaging a trained professional.

Love can be like a soothing balm, flowing over your wounds, healing you… if you let it. In order to access that kind of love, we must be courageous enough to share something difficult, risking rejection, but hoping for acceptance from those we love.

I think my mother was right. Confession is good for the soul.

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Monica Kovach